You didn't cry
by Hanijess
Summary: Why did Hisana really leave Rukia in that alley?


How can I avoid doing revision for exams? I know. Let's stay up late and write a first fanfic. Stupid procrastination.

* * *

You didn't cry.

I think that's what scared me the most. Not how tiny you looked, lying against that wall. Not the sounds of fighting coming from just around the corner of this alley I was leaving you in. Not the way you clung onto my finger with a stronger grip than I'd ever imagined anyone could have. Just the silence you maintained, even as you watched me walk away.

Babies are meant to cry. It's what they do. They scream, wail, shriek, protest...ANYTHING for attention. It's a way of communication when nothing else will do. I always found it quite comforting, hearing a baby's cry, because it seemed to reassure me that no matter how weak I felt, there were weaker people out there. It comforted me that, to them, I was the strong one.

I think that if you'd cried when I put you down, I'd have picked you straight back up because i'd have remembered that you needed me. But you didn't. You seemed to have a survival instinct programmed into you, warning you that drawing attention to yourself in this district meant certain death. That, or you trusted me to do the right thing.

So I left. I'd convinced myself that I couldn't take care of both of us here. Jobs were scarce and I could barely scrounge together enough food for myself. How could I hope to take care of a growing girl as well? And even if I had found food for you, what about the other things that you'd have needed?

Material for clothing and blankets would have been as hard as food to gather and I couldn't have just let you freeze. You'd have needed attention too - all children do - and I couldn't have given you that. Attention had to be focused on surroundings and anyone nearby who could cause trouble.

I couldn't have given you love either. This place bred hate, anger, sorrow, indifference even. But not love. Love was meant for the happy-go-lucky people in the higher districts...where i ran to after leaving you there. Kinda makes all of the above arguments redundant, eh? Guess I'm just trying to convince myself.

So here's the truth little Rukia. If that's even your name because I don't know if the person who found you would have been able to read the scrap of paper I left. Heck, I don't even know if someone found you. For all I know, this letter will never be read because I killed my little sister when I abandoned her. But on the off chance that you get to read this, here's the reason I really left you.

You didn't seem to need me.

Does that sound selfish? And cruel? That's because it is. I couldn't stand that you were only a few months old and you were already stronger than me. Even as I broke down each night when we hid from thugs with our bellies empty, you never cried. You stared straight through me with your big, violet eyes and you seemed to offer comfort. And I hated it.

That was your last chance. When I left you. One tear and I'd have held you in my arms and never let go. You were my little sister and I loved you but I couldn't cope with being the weak one. So when you stayed silent, I ran. If you could be that strong, that young, you'd survive.

It wasn't until many years later that I realised that the most emotionally unstable people could have the calmest façades. Byakuya taught me that. He was a wreck inside but he hid it so well. Because he HAD to.

Was that why you never cried? Were you screaming inside as I walked away? Did you only stay silent because you thought you had to? For me?

I'll never know. You don't even know anymore and even if you do, I won't be able to ask you. I'll be dead before the week is out. I won't get to ask you my questions and you won't get to ask me yours. This is all you'll have of me. So I've told you everything.

I haven't tried to smooth over the pain that I've doubtless caused you. Nor have I tried to show myself in a better light. I know what I did was wrong and done for the wrong reasons. You can hate me all you want because I'll never know. I just hope that you found happiness in spite of my cruelty.

Goodbye Rukia. You really were stronger than me.

...

"She wrote that in case I told you about her," Byakuya stated, calm as ever. " I don;t know what it says but I know that she had great difficulty in finding the right words to put in that letter."

I only faintly heard nii-sama. I was too busy digesting this new information.

"Has it helped you to understand her a little better?

"Yes nii-sama."

I'm just not sure that I wanted to.


End file.
